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13:46

Okay, halt the silly funny pictures for a second. I need to get something off my chest.

Two months ago I started a full-time job again, and yet here I am reposting so much stuff. That’s because I’m on a week-long sick leave. But it’s not some flu or lung inflammation or whatever. I had a panic attack. After two months of physical, tedious and stressful work, I broke down.

Luckilly, my “family” doctor is a godsend, as she’s trained as a psychiatrist, so she understands that depression is a sickness just like any other. Aside from giving me a sick leave, she also increased the dose of my anti-depressant, so I can wait for it to work better over the week. I’m worried my bosses won’t understand, though, so that’s why I’m venting here, not on Facebook. (Fortunately, I had a good explanation, because I also have some mild asthma and it really does get worse when I’m stressed - the night I had the panic attack, I could barely breathe.)

Why did I have the panic attack, though? Was it how stressful it is to be the lead warehouseman in a large-brand clothing shop that seems to always lack in staff, materials and is overloaded with deliveries? Was it that I had to tutor over ten people while I was still remotely new myself? Was it the frequent shifting of supervisors, each having different ideas on how to run the shop, often contradicting previous orders? Well, these things contributed. But really, what messes me up the most, is that since I started two months ago, I still can’t organize my life. For two months, I haven’t written a single note or drawn a single line. I didn’t even clean the floor in my apartment. I was hoping I’d adjust, get stronger so working physically doesn’t force me into lying on my bed for the rest of the day, but the truth is, while I did adjust physically, I can’t cope mentally. Monday to Friday, I can’t think straight; Saturday and Sunday, all I can do is play video games, browse Tumblr or watch YouTube, just so I can regenerate my nerves a bit. But the fact I’m still aware of my creative infertility has been continuously wearing on me, to the point where I am now - just sitting in front of the computer for the past three days, doing nothing in particular and feeling guilty about it.

Now, I know it’s not because of the job. It’s not really that hard or terrifying - pretty common by herein standards, actually. I’ve had worse. I’m well aware it’s because I’m at a disadvantage because of my depression. So now, that I have a few days’ time, I want to try figuring out how to improve my situation. I want - no, I NEED - to create again. I need my comic done. I need my album done. But I don’t know how to find the strength and creativity again, because right now I’m not just perpetually mentally tired, but also somewhat empty inside.

Any ideas, Tumblr? Please?

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